How the Dysphoria Project helped me to appreciate and enjoy my pregnancy.

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), also known as dysmorphophobia, is a relatively common yet under-recognized psychiatric disorder that often presents to non-psychiatric physicians. Although the symptoms may sound trivial, in more severe cases individuals with this disorder may be unable to work, socialize, or leave their homes, and some commit suicide.These patients, especially those with more severe BDD, can be challenging to treat. *for more information follow this link.

Fair warning, through this I have used curse words so if you're offended by swearing stop reading.

When I was pregnant with my daughter I had come off of the runway for the first time and stopped being a "model", started gaining weight slowly, and before I knew it I was, "fat". It wasn't that I was consciously trying not to gain weight during that pregnancy. I knew that it was all part of the process but, I feared stretchmarks, being out of shape after the baby was born, putting on too much weight while I was pregnant and in general being unattractive. I had morning sickness almost up until I delivered her and it was non stop! I couldn't look at food, smell food, think of food, or have someone talk about food, without getting sick. I didn't gain much weight because of it, but I still would step on the scale and see the numbers rising, my clothes didn't fit, and yes, yes I felt like a "fat", "ugly", dumpling that was going to be covered in stretch marks. After I had her I went right back down to my old jeans in a matter of days, I had some stretch marks and they bothered me, but, all in all I was a cute 20yr old with a cute baby and a cute figure.

Now, let us jump around through the years that followed the birth of my daughter. I tried to get back into modeling and my BMI was too high, and tried for years on and off. Her Dad and I split up and I went through a series of relationships where my butt wasn't big enough, my boobs were not big enough, I was too tall, too skinny, or just a gotdamned piece of eye candy for some dickhead to show off to his pals and on social media so his ego could be inflated to a much larger, swollen size, since other parts of him lacked....'I'm a grower, not a show-er.' So I was the compensation, 'are you wearing that out with me?', 'why don't you put on some makeup?' , 'not to upset you but before we go in there's a couple girls that want to date me, I had sex with, wanted me, I wanted to date, had a relationship with, and they're really hot.' I ended up feeling pretty damn shitty about myself. I managed to portray to everyone else that I was confident and loved myself, hell, at times I thought I actually did. The way I was treating myself however, I obviously didn't feel that way. I was in a shitty, abusive relationship that was abusive in every way, I became a total alcoholic, can you say drunk off my ass by 9am on non work days? Getting out of that relationship was not easy at all, I was being stalked, harassed, and all this after being kicked out of my family owned home by the guy after having my ribs bruised and being given a concussion after waking up on the floor to find a 320+ lb man straddled over me, sitting on my chest, bouncing my head on a hardwood floor, screaming exorcism rites at me and yelling that the devil posses

me when I'm sleeping, and he lucked out in court and walked out without a ding on him. While I had to quit my job, move to another county a couple of hours away, and leave my daughter with her Dad because my life was a mess and I had no stability of my own. I now have PTSD and nightmares which are directly linked to that relationship. The picture of me is during that relationship and to the outside world I was put together and I was confident and happy. Inside I hated myself, I was depressed, I just wanted to drink until everything was better, I had a terrible image of my body and hated the way my clothes fit.

I had this distorted image of myself between my last relationship and a couple of others that I had between the many, many, many years my daughter's Dad and I had split up. All of this compounded into ideas in my head that I wasn't attractive, needed makeup, was too skinny, not fashionable enough, etc., etc., etc., until one day, I had an opportunity to let it all out. This is years of this shit in my head, exploding out. Christina Maria, CM Media approaches me about this idea called the Dysphoria Project that she and Quroscuro came up with all inspired by a picture Craig Fouts of Quroscuro posted on Facebook which was a beautifully done nude self portrait. Vulnerable, honest, and very open, the portrait addressed dysmorphic body image, bullying, and expectations of other people on ourselves that we take so heavily to heart. The project is about raising awareness of BDD, it's non profit partner CapitolIndie Collective is raising money to literally take this show on the road, where total strangers get to view my photo among many others, and judge us however they please. Total strangers can donate to this project, total strangers can come to view this project when there are showings and events, total strangers can purchase a coffee table book. That alone is a huge and intimidating thought. When I first started out on this I thought, I'm okay, I love my body, and I'm okay with myself. Once I really thought about it, I wasn't okay with myself, just because I was comfortable with my naked self doesn't mean I'm comfortable with myself. SURPRISE! It means I can look at my naked self and see my little butt, my tiny boobs, and my stretch marks, my acne scars, all that more clearly. I came into this project feeling brave, and left liberated.

How has the Dysphoria Project effected my pregnancy this time around? Well, after my incredible experience with the project and the realization of how my pre pregnancy image was effected, I saw myself as ...me. Not some image that I had to maintain, some standard of beautiful that I had to be, I just saw me. Comfortable, safe in my skin, fuck the bullying I'd had through my life, me. I'm enjoying my pregnancy and the body changes that I've gone through, my hips and butt are bigger, my belly is definitely bigger, breast changes, my skin has changed, but I'm actually really okay with it. I don't feel "fat", or "unattractive", I feel great about myself. I feel empowered, I'm someone's ecosystem right now, how cool is that?!?!? I've been wearing form fitting, baby bump showing, yes I'm pregnant, clothing. Even taking pictures in a bikini and sharing them on my social media.

Would I have done this if I hadn't been part of the Dysphoira Project? Probably not, actually, it's highly unlikely. After the project and being made aware of what a distorted body image is, and realizing that I had one...I was able to look at myself a lot deeper than I had been before. I've been able to accept my body and to embrace everything I'm going through and embrace my pregnancy moreover. I know that at 38yrs old my body has changed and I probably won't be sitting on the bed 3 days after having this baby, wearing my old jeans, cross legged, and looking like I didn't have a baby. I'm really okay with that. I do plan on getting back into shape but not for anyone but me and because I want to. I've got a really fantastic pre pregnancy wardrobe that I'd like to fit into but, if I don't fit into everything then fine.

Seeing my image from the Dysphoria Project in an issue of Indie Blush Magazine after the fact that I was pregnant brought back a lot of memories from all over my life and what I was feeling that day, and what I was feeling at that moment. It made me sad what my picture represented to me, an unrealistic and distorted and bound image of me in my body. Of my wounds and my research into plastic surgery which thankfully, I never had the money to do or I'd have had a lot done through the years. I'm so glad that I didn't do any of the things that I thought that I needed to do to be more attractive because I'm attractive as I am in whatever form my body is taking.

This is how the Dyspohoria Project and Indie Blush Magazine helped me love myself, and love my pregnancy. I know right now as I write this and you read this that the CapitolIndie Collective is seeking funding to further spread this project across the nation. It hadn't occurred to me that BDD is as wide spread as it is or that someone could be pregnant and have BDD. Not until I realized how much participating in the project effected me and how differently I view myself now than with my previous pregnancy.