Dear Pregnant by Proxy

First let me just say, every pregnancy is different, every couple is different, this is just my advice, and damn it, it's pretty awesome and funny.

I can't tell you why pregnant women tend to be more emotional and sometimes hypersensitive. I'm sure it's more than just hormones. Environmental factors, stress, lack of sleep, craving things that you can't have while you're pregnant, it's a combination of things.

How can you help? Be patient, and talk to us, and please remember for the love of everything you value...watch your tone. Your inflections are like a text message, they can be taken completely wrong when you didn't mean them to be taken out of context like that. Sometimes, I don't know why I'm upset but being asked, "Hey honey, you seem upset what's going on, do you wanna talk?' at least lets me know that someone gives a damn and gives me an opportunity sometimes to talk it out and figure out why I may be upset and even helps me figure out why I'm emotional.

Stupid fears. We have them. Whether it's someone trying to kidnap our baby because we had a nightmare about it or fear that we're going to be the worst Moms because we don't know what we're doing and some pregnancy book said something about postpartum depression...shut up and listen. Don't minimalize our fears by saying that you don't want to talk about it or that it makes you uncomfortable, that you've had a long day, or that we're tripping. First of all that just opens the door for a fight, second of all that just makes us feel like well, not important. Our concerns and worries aren't important to you so therefore we're not important to you either. Last of all, it just sets the precedence in our heads that you're not going to understand or try to so why talk to you? Then we talk to anyone but you which you may think WIN, she's off my back! Nope! Lose! Now you're not our emotional go to and it becomes you being insensitive but, we're leaning on someone else for that support and you're getting less of us. Pregnancy and delivery are hard enough as it is but even harder if we've separated ourselves from you. It can go beyond the pregnancy and birth of your child to the whole, "I don't know you anymore." Don't become an Adele song dude!

Baby on the brain. Right now, I'm so focused on the baby, how he's doing, keeping up with my appointments, how my pregnancy coming along, is my baby developing like he should be, what's going on this week with my pregnancy and baby, am I gaining enough weight or too much, am I eating well enough, sleeping enough? The list of things in my head is endless and this is not my first rodeo ladies and gentlemen.Bear with us when we get this way. We're also looking for you to be active in this whole list in our heads by actively listening, asking questions, and showing an interest in silly little things like comparing the reviews between two nursery sets we liked. You'll research the hell out of a car before you purchase it right? That's a big investment, it's got to fit your needs, look good, etc., etc., etc., well what is a kid? An even BIGGER investment, so indulge us with this investment we're making together.

I'm bored!!!!!! I'm sorry, is it driving you nuts that preggers is over there climbing the walls? Okay, the things we used to do, some of those are kinda off limits now, not to mention our friends that aren't pregnant are still doing the things we used to do. If you think cabin fever is bad now, wait until the baby is born my friend, oh just wait! Our circle of girlfriends suddenly get's smaller, because we can't just go out on a weekend and grab drinks and go dancing. You may even have noticed that your other coupled friends that aren't expecting have stopped inviting you places too. So, you might find yourself becoming her best friend. Get out and do things together, especially before that baby comes! Got other kids, involve them in family activities, and get a sitter and take your Mama to be again out for some time with just the two of you. It's kind of sad when you think about it, a lot of couples stop dating each other after they are in a relationship together like they just settle for each other at some point. I'm sure there's an Adel song for that.

Intimacy and sex, screwing, doing the horizontal hokey pokey, doing the deed, the nasty, ardvarking, whatever you call it....granted that when she's pregnant things change a bit but unless the doctor says no sex at all don't remove it from your lives. Did you know that sex actually releases chemicals that make her feel more bonded and close to you? Not to mention, when you don't have sex with her the whole irrational thought kicks in, am I not sexy, is it because I'm fat, I'm gross, I'm unattractive, I look like a balloon. Hell, even the most secure relationship will have one wondering...is there someone else that's got his attention that's not fat like me right now. Our logical heads are smarter than that of course, but the emotional side and hormones kick in and we're feeling like every woman out there without a preggo belly is more attractive and we're just...round. If you're concerned about hurting her or the baby talk to her, talk to the doctors. Let her know how you're feeling, voice your concerns, and if you're having a hard time feeling turned on by her pregnant body, shut the hell up...I can't stress that enough! Honesty is not the best policy in that case....your honesty may get every dish in your cupboard thrown at you. If that's the case remember, you've had a part in that drastic body change of hers. Some of you are reading this going, how insensitive, well....it happens.

Keep doing the little things for her and try new little things. I know it sounds silly, but they make a big difference. Before we found out we were expecting, he'd bring me a cup of coffee in bed every morning. After and I had stopped drinking coffee, it's a glass of water every morning. It's silly, it's a small thing, but it makes me smile, and it makes me feel like he's taken that time out of his morning for me because he loves me. He even painted my toenails and actually volunteered to do that for me, it's not a professional job, but it's awesome because he did it and I appreciate it.

So to summarize, Dear Pregnant by proxy, be patient, communicate, listen, share in the baby planning, remember the little things, don't stop dating her, don't let sex become something that you used to do, refrain from putting your foot in your mouth unless you are a contortionist and don't minimalize what you think is irrational on her part. Try being a bit more romantic and thoughtful, tell her a song reminds you of her, so long as it's not something like Puddle of Mudd - She hates me of course.

*annotation for same sex partners. I hope my blog didn't offend you or make you feel left out as that was not my intent. When I mention "he" I'm refering to my partner and the little things that I appreciate and sharing my experience. When I mention "her" it by no means, means that I am excluding male partners and saying they should not date each other while expecting. It was brought to my attention that I may have made my blog too specific to a male and female relationship. My appologies if I came off as writing only for Mom and Dad in the sense of female and male relationships.